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This is chapter one of my story. Hope you like it


I

Sally Balker, a very young yet very successful surgeon. Every Thursday
and Saturday she worked on the night shift of Metropolitan Hospital Center.
It was another boring, unexciting night. Not that she wanted anyone to get hurt but she
easily got bored doing nothing. Thanks to these uneventful nights, she
had explored Metropolitan and memorized every hallway and where they
lead to which could come in handy if she were to get lost because Metropolitan
was a big hospital. Sally wasn't very connected to her family
besides her little brother because she could never get along with
them. Sally had a natural gift for anatomy, such so that she could
understand anatomical encyclopedias at the age of 14. Her family
wanted her to be a judge instead of a surgeon so they always had
fights. Sally was always patient about her family but the day they
didn't even come to her graduation had been the trigger to a big fight
between her parents and herself. That day she left her house,
promising Daniel,her younger brother that he would also become
whatever he wants instead of what they're parents said. It was her
goal to give Daniel a good life, a life that her parents couldn't give
him. All was good until Daniel ad started to get headaches and vomit
a lot. Sally knew what it was. She had felt it but hoped that it was
nothing. She took him to her friend Dr. Jackson Cohan. He was an
Oncologist. Eventually after a biopsy he diagnosed all of the
headaches and vomitting as being caused because of a tumor in Daniel's
brain. He also said that it was too close to the nerves to be operated
by surgery. After three months of chemotherapy and pain, Daniel passed
away. Sally was sitting in her office playing poker over the internet.
She got bored as usual, so she closed the webpage that was open and sighed.
The ghosts from the past usually haunted her but this time they came hard and merciless.
She travelled back to the day after Daniel had died and re-lived everything over again:

Sally was sitting in her apartment crying while watching videos that
she took of Daniel. It had only been a day after Daniel died but she
felt as if it was years. Daniel had been everything to her, gave her
a purpose to live. Now he was gone and she was lost in life. Her
apartment wasn't the fancy type, two bedrooms and a living room.
Daniel had painted the walls. That day they couldn't decide on what
color to paint the walls. Sally said cream and Daniel said blue.
Eventually they decided to paint the walls cream and Daniel's room
blue. Sally closed the computer and went to her bedroom. She looked
into the mirror for a minute. Her brown curly hair was a mess and her
eyes were ruby red from crying. She wasn't the overall beutiful type
but was pretty. She got dressed into a blue jersey and jeans. She got
out of the house and went to her car. This was another reminder of
Daniel. He chose the car the day they bought it. It was a blue Renault
Megane Hatchback. She got inside and started the engine, she had to
see Daniel. It was a half an hour drive from her apartment to the hospital
and on the way, Daniel`s memories accompanied Sally. She drove as fast as
she could to the hospital. She entered the hospital and went straight to Morgue 3.
Randy was on the night shift so it would be easier to see Daniel. Randy was sitting at
a table when Sally had arrived. Randy was stocking files ontop of eachother.
She went up to him and said "Randy, I have to see Daniel. Now!" Randy looked at her surprised.
He had a a round face and short black curly hair. He said "Ok, ok. Slow down. Now
I have to take these files to the archives so you need to wait" Sally sighed impatiently. "Come on!
You know me and it`s not like I`m going to do anything. I just want to see my brother"
A tear ran down her cheek. Randy was a real softy when it came to family buisness. He sighed and said
"Alright, but don`t do anything until I come back. Ok?" Sally tried to smile. She nodded and said
"You have my word" Randy opened the door and took the files to the archives. Sally entered the morgue
and went to drawer labeled '05'. She opened the drawer. Daniel was there, lifeless. His skin was white now,
not the cream color that beared life in it. Sally couldn`t hold herself. She hugged Daniel`s cold body and started to cry.
After a few minutes, she parted and got ready to leave. As much as she wanted to stay with Daniel, she didn`t want Randy to get in trouble either. She stroked Daniel`s cheek and closed the drawer. She was just aout to leave when she heard something coming from behind her. She turned around and as she turned around she saw something big. It had nearly a skeleton for a body with a thin layer of dead flesh on it`s bones. It looked Sally in the
part 2: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 016AAfeLCq
I added boreig and unexciting together because I wanted it to have more feeling to it. Instead of the general term `very boreing` I wanted to do something different.

In you first paragraph, the first and also last sentence are "fragment" sentences...not grammatically correct and would make an editor shutter. Also, boreing and unexciting mean the same thing. To list them both together is insulting to the reader. Didn'tbother to read past that first, awful paragraph. But no. You do not have "what it takes" to be a writer.

Look up "show, don't tell" and find examples which help you understand the difference. The biggest flaw in this work is that it tells.

Not that there aren't other weaknesses. The verb tenses shift, punctuation errors are plentiful, your don't break for paragraphs as you should, and you have not run a spell check.

But don't let that discourage you. Really. Writers' first drafts are often a mess, which is why they should be for your eyes only. Finish it, without showing it around seeking validation. Then go back to the beginning and identify every mistake, flaw, weakness, etc. and fix it. Go one sentence at a time. Get out reference books for writing and punctuation and use them. Writers master this stuff--and you will, too, if you want it badly enough.

Keep at it, okay?